The list of bad things that have happened to me this summer is long. I have been stretched to the limit of what I can take in stress and pain. I moved from Texas to Minnesota. My house in Texas hasn't sold. I had to cough up 20 grand to fix the sewer in said Texas house. My new house won't be ready until late winter, meaning that I have to live with my brother until then. My cat died. And today, and old friend also died. And that's just a partial list.
I vaccilate between wanting to throw myself on the floor, kick my feet, and have a proper tantrum to curling up in the corner and weeping my eyes out. Today I said out loud "this isn't fair, God."
This isn't fair. My life is supposed to filled with blue birds and cotton candy. My life is supposed to happy, damn it.
I'm the one that points at people who are constantly negative and says "they're just drawing more bad stuff to them". I'm the one that wakes up every morning and whispers "thank you God for this day". And goes to sleep every night saying the same thing. I try to find the gratitude in the little things, like the smell of chives on my fingers tonight after harvesting what is probably the last batch of the year. Or the feel of the wind in my hair yesterday as my brother and sister-in-law explored my new country neighborhood. So why is this crap all happening to me?
I could have taken the safe path, I guess, and stayed in Texas. My housing woes would be non-existent, since I probably lived with that broken sewer the whole 19 years I had the house. I wouldn't have the stress of building a new house, with the myriad of decisions I have to make. I wouldn't have the very real possibility of two mortgages staring me in the face right now.
But, just like every other human out there, I look to the future and only see the good things. My beautiful new home in the woods on a quiet winter's evening, with the fireplace going and supper on the stove. Watching the deer graze in my backyard, bringing their little ones by just to visit. My chickens happily clucking around my feet when I come out in the morning to greet them. Long walks in the woods...my woods. Seeing my family for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Super Bowl Sunday, and for no other reason than I want to spend time with them.
So yes, I'm a giant stressball at the moment. And no, I don't regret a thing.
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