Why Painting Is Like Life

I'm on vacation this week, and trying to fix up my house so that I can eventually sell it and move back to my beloved Minnesota.  My downstairs bedroom is badly in need of a face lift, so I ordered new curtains, new bedding, and decided to paint the walls a lovely light blue (it's a dingy green now).  A study I read online (which of course must make it true) says that people sleep longer in a blue room.  

What I know about my myself is that I like to skip right to the end of a project.  I want it done, like now!  So my character flaw is that I like to take shortcuts to get what I want as fast as possible.  The last time I painted this room I painted over some stains on the wall, and they bled right through, making the bedroom walls look dirty and dingy.  So this time I bought a good primer designed to cover stains as a first step.  I had all my tools, knew what to do, and on Monday opened the primer can only to find a sticky, muddy, mess at the bottom.  Thinking I'd forgotten to have the paint store shake the primer, I went back to the store, where they gladly shook it for me.  Got home and found the same sticky mess.  I was SO tempted to skip the primer and go straight to the paint, but instead, I got back in my car and drove it back to the store.  The very helpful young man behind the counter offered to shake it again.  I suggested that he do so, but this time open the can afterwards and stir with a paint stick.  Yep - same problem.  So I was offered a replacement, but every can he opened was defective, so I switched to a new product, had him try it out, and went home.  By that point I had only accomplished taping, removing curtains and pictures, but oh well, I had a week to get it done.

Tuesday morning I arose with every intention of priming, then painting that bedroom.  Until my temporary tooth crown came off (again) and I had to spend the morning at the dentist's office.  They've informed me that the cement they used this time is so strong it will have to be drilled off.  How fun - I get to have a crown drilled off in a week so that my permanent crown can be placed.  

So Tuesday afternoon saw 3/4 of the room primed and painted, and Wednesday believe it or not, I finished. My pretty new white sheer curtains went up, my new white coverlet went on, and a new floral quilt went on the end of the bed.  I'm still not done - for some reason in their infinite wisdom the builders of this house in 1961 decided to mount the fuse box on the bedroom wall.  In my nearly 18 years of living here I've never figured out how to hide it.  I could paint it I guess, but the big black "Main" switch still sticks out.  So I ordered more curtains from Penney's during their Black Friday sale - I'm going to try a wall of curtains on that wall, and if it doesn't look right, I have another window in my living room that still needs window coverings.

What does this have to do with life?  Well, I was very frustrated this week.  I wanted to get to the end quickly, so that I would have a beautiful result to look at.  I wanted to revel in my success.  When life threw me some curve balls, I had to deal with them and move on.  And I found that I couldn't skip steps - I needed to do it right, even if it meant that it would take longer than I initially thought it would.  

There are lots of people willing to help, (Home Depot) but sometimes the help they give isn't what you need, even if you didn't know it at the time.  Once you do figure out what you need, you have to ask for it.  And you still have to work damn hard to get the results you want.

In the end, if you follow the rules, have the right tools, don't skip steps, and deal with the obstacles life throws at you, you will have something to be proud of.  Something new and shiny and fabulous.  And if you take care of it, it'll be just as gorgeous for a long time to come.  And in the end, we're all still works in progress; just like my bedroom.

Things You Don't Want to Hear in a Dentist's Chair

I got my Mom's teeth.  My Dad gave his teeth to my younger brother, who has probably had one filling in his entire life, can go years without a check-up and still come out with no issues.

My Mom?  She lost all of her teeth in her 40's, but not before painful root canals, extractions, and days of all of the curtains pulled, with us tiptoeing around so we didn't wake her.

With all of the advances in dentistry, I won't lose my teeth.  But that doesn't stop them from doing their very best to make sure I'm miserable.  Since I was a small child, I've had more fillings than I can count, surgery to correct an under bite, braces (twice), retainers (twice), crowns, and even the dreaded root canals (4).

So when my dentist found cracks in tooth number 30 (it's the second to last molar on the bottom right side of your mouth), they told me I'd need a crown.  So I prepared to part with $700, and set up the appointment for last week.  Prepping a tooth for a crown means a LOT of filing the top of the tooth down.  That means the dreaded drill.  Oh, and since I had jaw surgery, my nerves aren't in the normal places and there's lots of scar tissue, so where most people only have to have one round of Novocain, I usually have to have 3 rounds of shots before they can start.

So my mouth and gums were understandably sore and achy after the crown prep.  But after day 3 where I couldn't bite down on the tooth and the cold and heat sensitivity started, I knew what was happening.  So day 9 I called the dentist and said "I think you stirred up the pulp (I Googled it) and now I need a root canal".  Of course they need to see you to confirm that, so I got to endure the dentist pushing, knocking, and putting cold things close to my tooth to prove that I was in pain.  Only to get the referral to the Endontist.

This Endontist, Dr. Dazey, has done every root canal I've had done, and so I knew that I had nothing to fear - he's the very best at what he does, and I knew I was in good hands.  When they found out that it had been 9 days of pain, they decided I was an emergency, and fit me in this morning so that I didn't have to suffer through the weekend.  I wasn't suffering that much until the dentist knocked on my teeth to see if it hurt.

So Dr. D put something cold near the tooth, and when my right hand almost connected with his jaw, he decided that yes indeedy, a root canal was in order.  I told him about my issues with novocaine, and although still not fun, he managed to make the 3 rounds of shots bearable, including the last round straight into the tooth itself.  I had mentioned earlier that I guessed that I'd be missing Happy Hour this afternoon thanks to him.  So with the (gigantic) needle inserted into my TOOTH, Dr. Dazey makes a crack about the fact that he was using the strong, long-lasting stuff, but he was sure it would wear off before Happy Hour.  Not nice, Dr. D., not nice.

If you haven't researched it, a root canal procedure makes a big opening in the top of the tooth, which exposes the roots, which are filled with living tissue (pulp) and lots of nerves, which are the source of all pain.  Once he has the opening exposes, he uses a file to scrape out the pulp and nerves from the roots.  When he entered the pulp, he said to me "the pulp is bleeding".  Then he followed up by saying, "and that's good, because it means that it's not infected".

Yeah thanks, but I'd prefer to think of the tooth as a big hunk of calcium, rock-like, that has nothing in it that BLEEDS.  Luckily my mouth was wide open with a piece of rubber stretched across it, so I couldn't respond.  And I thought that hitting him might make him mad.

As he looked at the roots, and living (bleeding) pulp, he said "I doubt very much that your roots would have survived, so your instincts that you needed a root canal were spot on".  Thanks Doc, that makes me feel SO much better.

It is now almost 10 hours since the first round of shots, and even my lip is back to feeling normal.  My jaw aches from keeping it open even though they gave me a bite block, and of course my gums hurt where the shots were.  But the Tylenol I've been taking every 4 hours works so that it's bearable.  The real test will be tomorrow, when I'll test to see if I can bite down on food on that tooth.  I still have to be careful since it's a temporary crown, but the worst should be over.

I remember my Mother going through root canals, saying it was the worst pain imaginable.  Whether it's my high pain tolerance, or the incredible skills of Dr. Dazey, it's just another day in the dentist chair for me.  I'm not gonna complain!

The Knife, The Tumbler, The Pan, and The Pizza Stone

For the past 10 days, I keep losing things.  Really losing them, like thinking that someone has been sneaking into my house at night and stealing them.  First it was my 24 oz. Tervis Tumbler, which I use every day to drink water from.  It has been my constant companion for months, and out of the blue, it was gone.  I searched high and low - even checked the refrigerator thinking maybe I put it there, like an old lady absent minded thing.  Then it was my little fry pan that I use for scrambled eggs.  Seriously?  WTF?  This morning it was my Santoku knife.  Then I opened the oven and discovered that the pizza stone I stored in there was also gone.

Gremlins???

As I was at the sink this morning washing the few dishes I had, I remembered that I hadn't checked the dishwasher.  I only use the dishwasher once or twice a year - hand washing is just faster.  I opened it, and found...you guessed it - my Tervis Tumbler, my knife, my pan, and my pizza stone!

Now before you think that I put them there, I didn't.  My housekeeper did, with all good intentions, I'm sure.

I can now breathe a sigh of relief knowing that my visit to Crazy Town was only temporary.  At least for now.

Magnum in Limbo and Other Saturday Adventures

I had put off doing the food shopping for far too long, so Saturday morning I threw on sweats and a t-shirt and headed for Albertsons.  I knew I wanted some good old comfort food from home, so I got the ingredients for Chicken and Wild Rice hotdish.  I was also craving a Rueben, so sauerkraut, Swiss cheese, pastrami, and rye bread went in the cart.  On the healthy side, I got the ingredients for a white bean soup, which would be yummy on a cold day.

The cashier was friendly - rare these days, at least in my neck of the woods.  The fellow that bagged my groceries was probably in his mid-40's, and I didn't pay much attention to him.  That is until he said something very excitedly about limbo and Magnum, and remember that episode where only the Lads could hear him?  He had a bit of a speech impediment, and of course the subject matter was a little out of the blue.  He continued to talk about that episode, and I just decided to go with it.  He insisted on taking my groceries out to the car, and so I got a non-stop description not only that episode, but what was considered the best Magnum P.I. episode of all time.  Then he asked how many DVDs I own (none - I have Netflix).  He owns a lot, and I guess Walmart is the best place to buy them.  Then he switched to the new James Caan TV show, and said "don't give up on it...you have to be patient".

As I drove home, I realized I was smiling.  Someone that I normally wouldn't pay any attention to at all made me smile.  His soul shone bright and touched me in a way I didn't expect.

The hotdish turned out well - I added mushrooms and onion to the recipe, otherwise I followed Amy Thielen's recipe from her book "The New Midwestern Table".  She has a show on the Food Network, filmed in Two Inlets, not that far from where I live during the summer.

Today is Sunday, and I'm busy working off the hotdish.  I'm on week 8 of a beginning running program.  I ran 6 minutes today.  Three times, with one minute walking in between.  Six minutes, people!  I started out not being able to run for 20 SECONDS this summer.

I'm also doing a 30-day squat challenge, so I got my 70 squats out of the way this morning too.  I'm very proud of myself, especially since I couldn't seem to get my butt off the couch yesterday other than to shop, cook, and eat.

Sunday Afternoon

I ate breakfast, got my run in, showered, went to the thrift store to get some clothes for the work week ahead, and drove home.  I nodded to the two folks in the street two doors down talking to someone parked on the curb.  I figured that it was a nice day for a family barbecue or a post-church service get together, since they seemed nicely dressed.

Mindlessly I went about my chores - laundry has to be finished, unpacking yet to be done, clothes to hang up.  I grabbed Grace's water bowl and went to the sink to fill it.  The window over the kitchen sink is open, and I heard loud screaming.  Thinking it was my imagination or dogs howling or kids playing, I filled the bowl up and turned off the water.  The screams continued, and this time I knew they were human.

I saw four black women dressed in their Sunday best, all standing on the front stoop looking across the street.  I looked too, and found the source of the screaming.  A woman in a pink blazer, a pink skirt, and candy striped pink high heel shoes was bent over double next to one of the parked cars, wailing in obvious grief and pain.  A man in a white shirt and black pants held her arms while she howled, patiently waiting for her to finish.  She slowly quieted down, and silently sobbed on the man's chest.

The man didn't pat her back or say soothing things to her, at least not that I could tell.  He simply held her while she poured out her grief for the world to hear.

Finally silent, she let the man guide her to the passenger side of the car, and they drove off.  The wailing though, continued, this time one of the four women who stood by watching on the stoop across the street.  As one of the other women comforted her, a little girl, three or four, danced around them not knowing that something of a tragic nature had just occurred.  A little boy, perhaps 6, joined her outside and looked up at the adult's faces, as if wanting to know what was wrong.  The women stared straight ahead, as if they couldn't bear the thought of explaining to a child that death had arrived in his life, and that he would forever after have to know that people would leave him.

The door to the house opened, and a white woman dressed in all white walked out carrying a bag.  Hospice nurse?  She walked straight to the car to put the bag away without saying anything to anyone outside.  She drove away, as if in defeat.

The mourners have started to arrive, shaking hands, hugging, or patting shoulders.  Is it a different protocol depending on the relation to the deceased I wonder?  Or is it how close you are to the person in mourning?  Now there are seven on the front stoop, with others weaving in and out from inside to the outdoors.

As I watched, tears welled in my eyes, and I so desperately wanted to go and ask if I could comfort them in some way.  But I knew I was not wanted or needed and could only be a silent observer to their grief.

I don't know these neighbors, so don't know if the person inside is a man or woman, old or young, alive or dead.  But pain is universal, and pain has visited this house two doors down from me.

Winter Palace Blues

I'm never happy about leaving Minnesota for Texas, even for the promise of better weather.  It means saying goodbye to family and friends, lake country, chipmunks, deer, and the "country" life.

But I'm back in the city now, adjusting as best I can.  Thursday not just one but two drivers pulled out right in front of me; one even ran a stop sign to do it.  I laid on the horn both times, but both drivers were oblivious, probably too busy texting to worry about it.  By the time I got home my hands were clenched, my shoulders hunched, and I felt a headache starting right behind my eyes.  Then the Dentist told me I needed yet another crown, and my portion of the bill would be close to $700.00

But it's not all bad, not even half bad.  The day I arrived it was 91 degrees (ugh), but a cold front went through that very day and temps have been in the mid 70's since then.  I have my big kick-ass oven/range to cook on - no more trying to fit stuff into a tiny convection oven and then wondering how it's gonna turn out.

I joined the local YMCA this week; it being the cheapest option out there and the closest to home. When I entered the reception area to join, several people came in swiping their membership cards to get in.  None of them was under 80.  One lady came in with a walker and looked as if it would take her an hour to make it across the 50 feet to the gym.  Turns out there was a Silver Sneakers class about to begin.  The average age at this Y is much older than the normal gym though - even the trainer I met with is 57.  Guess I don't have to worry about being intimidated by athletic young hotties!

I hit a "magic" number with my weight loss this week too - 40 pounds lost.  That makes 70 pounds gone since my initial weight loss surgery 7 years ago.  10 pounds more and I'll have a normal BMI, which is my next goal.  I'm on week 5 of my running plan, which is run 2 minutes, walk 2 minutes.  It's still a workout, but it's getting easier every day!

Perfect?

I was invited over by my brother and family to watch the NDSU Bison game yesterday, eat chili, and play board games.  I'm also in the middle of packing for my sojourn back to my winter palace, so clothes are everywhere - packed, not packed, in the closet, in the washer...and I couldn't find my one pair of blue jeans anywhere.  I've pretty much been living in shorts and sweatpants for months, so who knows where they are.  

Last month I had ordered two pair of size 8 jeans on sale in anticipation of someday being able to wear them, so in desperation I opened up the package and tried them on.  And they fit!  I honestly don't remember when I was ever a size 8!  When I was growing up, there was a phrase "perfect size 8".  Now back then, there wasn't such a thing as vanity sizing, so who knows what size it equates to now.  

And another big step for me - I wore my Bison t-shirt tucked in.  My stomach is my biggest problem area, so I just don't do that!  But these jeans were a little higher waisted, and covered up most of my muffin top, so I went for it!  

Today was day two, week 3 of a beginner's running plan.  I'm running one minute, walking a minute, repeat 9 times.  It's hard, but I'm doing it, even in the chilly, windy, Fall weather.  I've been debating whether or not to join a gym when I get back to Texas, but I think I'll try street running first.  I'm still afraid that if I have to drive somewhere to work out I'll find all sorts of excuses not to.  So for now, I'll stick to the running plan and see where I go from here.

Taking Control

About two years ago a work colleague and I were exploring the city of Brisbane, Australia together on a weekend  We did a lot of walking on that warm, summer day, and talked about the fact that we both knew what we needed to do to get fit and healthy, and that we were going to do it soon.

My friend took action before I did, and she just completed her first triathlon last weekend.  I told her on Facebook that "I wanted to be just like her when I grow up", and she responded that I already was, because as soon as I took control of my own health I became just like her.  I've thought about that a lot, and she's right.  I may not have done a triathlon, but I am in control.  I've lost 38 pounds this summer, and I feel lost if I can't get outside and either walk or run during the day.

What??

Even as a child, I was the girl picked last for the sports teams.  I'd much rather bury my head in a book than play kickball / softball / basketball / track.  I was enrolled in ballet, but always felt like the big awkward girl in class.  I remember taking an aerobics class once in college and vomiting as soon as I finished.  No wonder I didn't go back!

So this time my only goal was to walk.  And I did, and got bored/tired/sore/out of breath/embarrassed, and...I kept going.  My first victories were small - walking for 20 minutes...walking 1.6 miles without stopping...walking 3.2 miles without stopping.  Then I did a 5K.  And another.  My knees were (and still are) swollen, my right hip hurt, and sometimes my legs hurt so bad at night I couldn't sleep.  And I still walked.  I walked 4 miles and thought I was a champ.  Then I did an 8 mile hike and knew I was.

I thought I'd try the Couch to 5K running plan, but got discouraged because I couldn't even complete week one.  So I modified it and started running 20 seconds at a time.  Then 30 seconds.  I found a different plan that made more sense and started it 2 weeks ago.  Now I'm running a minute, walking 2 minutes.  Next week it'll be run one minute, walk one minute.  Maybe.  I'm a slow learner.  I signed up today for the Monster Dash 5K in Fort Worth end of this month.  I plan on running at least half way.

Again, taking control, I scheduled a sleep study last weekend to see if my sleep apnea had improved.  When I was first diagnosed, I would stop breathing 60 times per hour while asleep.  Yes, I couldn't make it a minute without stopping breathing, greatly increasing my risk for stroke, heart attack, and God knows what.  Last weekend, there was no sign of apnea at all.  I did have a couple of episodes when laying on my back where my breathing changed, but nothing life threatening or serious.  The doctor said that I had cured myself, and was no longer in danger of stroke, heart attack, etc. because of my weight and lack of oxygen while sleeping.

I. Cured. Myself.

Next, I plan on seeing if I can discontinue the use of the statin I've been taking for high cholesterol.  I'll see my primary care physician in November for that.  If I can discontinue that, my only prescriptions will be for Flonase for allergies, and hormone replacement therapy for, well, you know.  My blood pressure is perfect (today was 107/72), my resting heart rate has gone from about 80 to 63, and I feel strong, centered, and, most of the time, happy.  I have walked/ran 325 miles this summer on purpose, and can't imagine stopping.  Of course the true test will be the dark winter months with little daylight - I've already started using my light box in the morning and upping my Vitamin D in anticipation of the "winter blues" hitting.  

In other news...I got an email today from the webmaster of Becker County, where my Summer Palace is located.  Don't know how he found my little blog, but he did, and he found a picture I posted a few months ago of sunrise at the park near me.  He asked and was granted, permission to use the pic in the county's website redesign.  I of course was thrilled, and will post the link everywhere if and when my photo is published!

Sam, and Other Tales of Woe

Of the four kittens born that day, he was the one that I knew instantly what to name - Sam.  His left eye was still closed, and remained closed for weeks while I patiently washed it with a warm washcloth.  For 15 1/2 years I would pick the eye boogers off his cheek from that darn eye.

He was by no means the easiest cat.  When he was unhappy, he would let me know it by peeing outside the litter box.  He would turn his nose up at the scratching posts I bought and instead tear up the corners of plaster throughout the house.

But he was also the sweet lap cat that would flop down in my lap after a long business trip, turn on his side, and let me hold his paw.  He would crawl into bed into my arms and place his head on my shoulder, making little grunts of satisfaction when I reached out for him.  Often I'd wake to Sam sprawled full body across my body or neck, sound asleep.

As soon as I would leave the bed in the morning, he'd crawl into my lap while I drank my coffee, then would go back to the bed, burrowing under the covers to find the warm spot.

His mother Grace would hiss and growl at him around me, and then 5 minutes later I'd find them curled around each other on my bed.

Sammy got sick very suddenly, and even the animal hospital couldn't save him.  I was with him at the end; he was so sick, but I think he recognized my scent when I blew my breath into his face.

It's been a trying week here at the Summer Palace.  A good friend has incurable cancer.  My Niece's husband was in a car accident and has no memory of anything prior to the accident, including his own name, his wife, or his 4 kids.  A former friend is on Crystal Meth and suffering from paranoia, delusions, and hallucinations.  A divorce in the family.  And today I learned that a co-worker's son was killed yesterday in Afghanistan.

Today I am grateful for the sunshine after days of dreary weather.  I am grateful for the bags of carrots, cukes, and beets that a neighbor brought me yesterday from his farm.  I am grateful for the coffee in my Minnesota mug, even though it doesn't taste quite as good without a cat sprawled across my lap.

Rest in peace Sammy my heart.  We'll meet again some day, but Grace and I miss you today.

Four Month Update

I'm happy to report that I participated in my first timed 5k race - the Dick Beardsley in Detroit Lakes, MN last weekend.  I even ran a little bit when I could!  My official finish time was 46:42, which considering I just wanted 48 minutes or less, was pretty good.  And now I have a baseline to compete against for next time.

Weight wise, the loss has slowed way down.  I'm down 36 pounds since surgery, but watching the scale is incredibly frustrating since I'll lose .2 pounds one day, then gain 3 pounds the next.  I guess it's a marathon, not a sprint.

I have lost another inch from my waist, and got the shock of my life when I bought new sweatpants at Walmart in size SMALL!  I know that's vanity sizing for sure, but it still felt kind of good!  I recently had to pull some XL t-shirts out of my closet to donate because I wore one last weekend and kept exposing myself it was so big!  My bra size is down from a 38C to a 34DD so I'm not losing a lot "up there" but I am losing inches.

I had a consult with a doc today about my sleep apnea.  Since I've lost weight again, it's time for another sleep study, with the hope that I can dump my CPAP machine.  And if I can't, I'm overdue for a new machine anyway.  The monster machine I have now is huge and is a real pain to travel with.  The new ones they showed me are tiny in comparison!  My sleep study is scheduled for September 28, so I have a couple more weeks to focus on losing as much weight as I can before then.

I realized yesterday that other than my coffee, I hadn't had any water all day.  That's bad, really bad, so I'm stepping up my hydration today - up to 6 cups of water so far, with a goal of 12 for the day.  I also skipped the last two days workouts, so I got out at lunch today for 30 minutes.  The so-called experts online say that a beginning runner or walker should only workout 30 minutes max, 3 times per week.  I've been pushing myself way harder than that, and my heart rate has been close to my max a lot.  Apparently that's not the best way to train your muscles, so today I followed directions and kept my heart rate in the "aerobic" zone throughout the 30 minutes.  It seemed too easy, but I guess I'll try it out for awhile.

Only three more weeks at my Summer Palace before I have to pack up and drive back to Texas for the long winter.  Boo hiss!

The Meaning of Dreams

Last night I had two disturbing dreams.  One of them involved doing something work wise that was not my job.  That one was easy to figure out - it was a hard week, and I felt overwhelmed.

The other one involved a snake.  A snake in the grass to be more precise.  The snake followed me, got really close to me, and I was shaking with fear that it would bite me.  Now, most dream interpreters will tell you that I was dreaming about sex.  Nope.

This morning I figured out what this prophetic dream meant.  In my email inbox was a personal email accusing me of doing something shady.  I'm active in my campground association volunteer committee, and we had a board of directors election this weekend.  I was accused of fixing the election.

Now the person who won was NOT the person I voted for, so I guess I didn't do a very good job "fixing the election".  I have a feeling that there is a snake on our volunteer committee that has been waiting for a chance to hurt me.  And today that snake bit.

Poison spreads, and I know that whoever it is that started this lie is a talker.  And folks that don't know any better will assume their lies are true.  So I resigned my spot on the volunteer committee that gets stuff done in the Association.  With that poison out there I won't be very effective at anything I try to do, so in my case it was simply better to amputate the limb.

I've worked really, really, hard for 2 years to make things better here, and it's hard to hear that people will throw rotten eggs at me when all I've ever tried to do is step up and do what no one else was willing to do.

Beware of the snakes in the grass.  They do bite.

99 Days

99 days since surgery!  Here's an update.

Weight loss still at 34 pounds.  For the last month I've slipped a little into my old self-sabotage ways, eating chips, drinking beer, and not working as hard as I should at the exercise front.  I know what I need to do, just have to convince my rather sick mind to do it!

What's changed?

• I certainly look thinner, although I still see the "fat Sandy" in the mirror some days.  I have to keep looking at photos to remind myself of what I really look like.
• I can run a little - today I ran 2 times 60 seconds, 2 times 90 seconds, and 1 time 97 seconds!  That, coming from 2 months ago when I couldn't even manage 20 seconds at a time.
• My resting heart rate is between 66 and 68, done from 80 prior to surgery.
• I've participated in 2 5k's (walked 'em both, but I finished).
• I feel like a human being, participating fully in life, instead of a cave dweller.
• I'm pretty sure I can dump my CPAP machine, although it's almost like a security blanket for me now.

What hasn't changed?

 Mentally, I'm still struggling with why I sabotage my success.  I'm a work in progress!

• My ankles still swell up most days, and it pisses me off.  My blood pressure is actually low (last checked it was 90/60), so I know it's not that...
• My knees still hurt, and occasionally my right hip hurts too.  It sucks to get old.

August 3, 2013

Beer Run August 17, 2013 With My Big Brother

Feasting in Texas! August 8, 2013

Me in 2006, prior to Lap Band

Summer 2010, still struggling!

Texas, Don't Mess With ME!

I'm back in Fort Worth for the week to catch up with my team mates and two days of training.  Well, I was in Fort Worth for about 30 minutes last night, anyway.

I arrived to a sweltering house at 9 pm.  93 degrees inside.  Yes, you heard that right, 93.  Sweat running down my face, I checked the air conditioner thermostat, which was set to 72.  The fan was blowing up a storm, but no cold air was coming out.  I checked the breaker, and sure enough, the fuse was tripped.  Easy fix, I thought to myself, as I flipped the breaker back on.  But no, the compressor outside still didn't come on.  So I grabbed a flashlight and checked the breaker box outside.  It seemed okay, but I flipped it off and on just to be sure.  Damn it, still no compressor.

So I put my suitcases back in the car and drove to the Comfort Suites for the night.  I called the company who installed my aircon 2 years ago and described what was going on.  When I got to the part of "the breaker was tripped", he stopped and asked me to repeat that.  I did, and he said "damn, that's not good".

Sigh.

I'm meeting him at the house at 1 to see what's what.  Good thing I have the Comfort Suites on speed dial!

Oh, and for those of you who read my previous post on why Candy Crush is like life, here's another one:

Chocolate is always evil!

Why Candy Crush Saga is Like Life, or Why I Don't Have a Life Anymore

It all started with my Niece's husband saying "you don't play Candy Crush?  You really should - I'm on level 76".

Right...just another annoying Facebook game.  I went through my Bejeweled Blitz phase, my Words With Friends phase, and even (gulp) my Farmville phase.  I'm evolved, and only use Facebook to keep up with friends.

Yep.  Uh huh.

I'm on level 79 now, and here's why I think Candy Crush Saga is like life:

1. Sometimes it seems easy - too easy
2. Sometimes you want to shake your fist in the air with frustration because you can't seem to get anywhere
3. They both take some skill, and some luck too, to get through successfully
4. Sometimes things blow up in your face - and that can be a good thing
5. Moves in one direction can give unexpected results
6. They're both colorful and noisy
7. Sometimes you have to pay to get ahead of the competition
8. There's always someone on your friends list that has a better score (or makes more money, or has a nicer car, or looks better in clothes...)
9. You learn as you go - the more you learn, the better you do
10. If I actually had a life, I wouldn't be playing Candy Crush (or blogging about it)

Day 65 - Mini Goal Reached!

One of my mini-goals for weight loss was to get to the weight I was at for about 2 minutes two years ago.  I was really active that summer, and got down to 165.6.  This morning I was at 167 - so close!  So I went for my walk and came back to weigh again.  It's really surprising how much water weight you can shed when you're sweaty!  The scale this time said 165.6 on the dot.  I'll take it!

This is surprising to me, since I have no food restrictions any longer and have found that I can eat or drink anything - I just get full fast.  I'm on vacation this week, so the beer has been reintroduced, and I've only walked twice in 10 days.

With my lap band I could drink carbonated beverages, but sometimes annoying and painful burping would result.  With my sleeve no such problems - I feel NORMAL!  I ate out at a local Mexican restaurant and had fajitas - neither the chicken nor the tortilla gave me any problem, although I was uncomfortably full after two of them.

Sunrise, Dunton Locks

Wednesday I extended my normal walk to hike through the woods at Dunton Locks County Park.  The map said that the trail I took was "difficult".  It wasn't really - there were a couple of steep climbs, but not bad.  I do need to do better about remembering to put on bug spray - the skeeters were killers!  I love hiking in the woods; I always wonder what's just around the corner.  The only wildlife I saw was the wood tick that hitched a ride home with me.  Did I mention that I need to remember bug spray?

While on vacation this week I painted my deck (Cape Cod Gray), and painted some old wooden furniture that once belonged to my parents.  That I painted Molokai Blue (think bright turquoise), and bought a couple of retro style metal chairs in yellow to make a seating arrangement.

On the agricultural front, my sugar snap peas are about ready for harvest.  Maybe this year some will actually make it into the house without being eaten right from the bush!  The deer ate my cucumbers again, and the radishes bolted (I planted them much too late), but the kohlrabi and yellow squash are doing well.  My assorted heirloom tomatoes are started to bloom (they're all late producers), and my Meyer Lemon tree has lemons about 3 inches long, so I'll have fresh lemons this winter (yes, I do haul it back and forth between Texas and Minnesota).  The wild raspberries in my back yard should be ready soon - they're little, but just as sweet!  And I need to harvest some more rhubarb for the freezer - I enjoy that in Texas too!

Two Month Surgiversary and Rainbow Kisses

Exactly 2 months ago this morning I was wheeled into an operating room for my gastric sleeve surgery.  I have lost 28.4 pounds since that day, and 58 pounds total since I started this weight loss journey 7 years ago, when I had my lap band surgery.  More importantly, I'm more active than I've ever been, my mood seems stable (knock on wood, and I'm sure hormone replacement therapy has something to do with it), and life is, well, good!

Nearing the Finish Line - That's me, in the Middle

Last weekend I did my first ever 5K - the Run or Dye in Fargo.  They had more than 11,000 people turn out for this event; the 2nd biggest in Run or Dye history, and bigger even than the Fargo Marathon.  Because of the crowds and our fear of never finding each other, my sister-in-law and niece decided to walk it with me, even though they normally run.  That meant a lot to me - this was an important milestone for me, and I wanted to share it with people I love, not alone in a sea of strangers.

They convinced me to run through the "dye stations", and I did, with my arms up high and "whoo hoo'ing" the whole time.  At the finish line they had a dance party, culminated by all of us throwing our dye in the air at the same time.  I've never been in a dessert sand storm, but for awhile we couldn't see even our closest neighbor!

After the Dance Party

Triumphant Women!

My brother and great-niece watched us from the grandstands, and took lots of great pictures and videos of the event.  He wasn't so happy, though, when he discovered that we had forgotten to bring our towels to protect the seats in his truck on the way home!  His seats are covered with rainbow kisses probably even now.  It took 3 washings to get the dye out of my clothes (I finally had to use bleach).

We made the paper the next day - the only reason I recognized myself was because of the number on my shirt!

My friend asked me if now that I had done a 5K if I would sign up for more.  At first I told her "probably not", that it wasn't my thing.  When I thought about it for awhile, I realized that I'm still horribly insecure about my abilities - I know I can finish by walking, but I want to run damn it!

So today, for the first mile of my walk, I did just that.  I ran, then walked.  I can only run for 35 seconds at a time right now, but my knees don't hurt like the last time I tried.  So, we'll see - I'll keep building up my endurance, and maybe someday I'll sign up for another 5K.  Until then, rainbow kisses to you all, and Happy 4th of July!

Ugh, This is Hard. Day 52

You know those stories about the overweight people that have weight loss surgery and magically become thin overnight?  Yeah well, I'm here to tell you it's an urban myth!

The surgery removes an obstacle for you, but the rest is up to you.  If I didn't work the program I can stay at my previous weight or even gain weight.  There is nothing stopping me from doing that.

What are my struggles?  Exercise was a big one.  When I first started walking about 6 weeks ago I would huff and puff, my knees hurt, my thighs hurt, my ankles swelled, and well, it just wasn't fun.  Now I've built up enough endurance to walk 3.2 miles a day without stopping, at a very fast clip for one with such short legs (about 3.6 mph).  My thighs and knees still complain, but not as much.  My right hip makes funny noises and hurts a little, probably because my right knee is my bad one and I walk out of balance.

I have discovered sweating!  My entire life I would be the one that didn't sweat, even in 100 degree temps.  Now, I have to wear a headband, sweat still runs down my face, and the headband comes home dripping wet.  My guess is that for the first time in a very long time I'm fully hydrated!  I drink about 12 cups of water a day.  Okay, not all water - usually 2 cups of coffee in the morning, lots of water during the day, then 1 or 2 cups of herbal tea before bed.

Now that I can eat real food, I have to deal with the times (especially at night) where I'm bored and really, really, want something salty and crunchy.  Or sweet.  And I admit I've given in to that more than once.  It'll be a life long struggle for me I guess.  I have to keep forgiving myself so that I can move on and do better.

Surprisingly, to me, what's not hard is not drinking alcohol.  I've had a couple of glasses of wine twice, but didn't feel the need to continue.

Victories?  I've lost inches when I haven't lost pounds.  And I still have lost pounds - 26 since surgery!  I fit into that pair of size 10 jeans I bought as an incentive.  Barely, but I fit.  Two years ago I logged my weight at the lowest ever (for exactly one day), and I have exactly 3.8 pounds to lose to get there again.  I'm walking my very first 5k tomorrow (the Run or Dye) in Fargo.  I'll come home covered in a rainbow of colors.  And sweaty.  But victorious!

Day 42, or Six Week Update

Only a pound difference from my last update, so I guess the weight loss is slowing down a bit.  But still, 24 pounds in six weeks is quite an achievement in my book!  That's an average of 4 pounds per week.

My activity level has picked up too - I'm now consistently walking between 2.5 and 4.5 miles a day (on purpose), about 5 days a week.  I have a few routes - one takes me along the river to a County Park where sometimes I also hike the trails through the woods; another is onsite here at my campground walking through a large hilly meadow with a walking path (lots of hills and uneven ground).  The whole running thing has proved too difficult on my knee, at least for now.  My first 5K is scheduled for June 29 (it's not timed, but I'm training to average 16 and a half minutes per mile).  The 5K is called "Run or Dye" because at set intervals along the course you run/walk through a cloud of powdered dye.  At the end of the event you look like a rainbow!

My thighs hurt, but I can tell they're getting stronger.  You need strong thighs in order to support your knees apparently, so that's good.  I need to start working on my upper body and ab muscles - we have a fitness center here so I have no excuse!

Summer has finally arrived here in Minnesota, with temps in the mid 70's during the day, mid to low 50's at night.  My radishes, peas, beets, kohrabi, herbs, and tomatoes are all doing well - can't wait for harvest!

Day 33 and Flowers on a Rainy Day

Luckily the stall in my weight loss was short-lived.  As of this morning, I'm down 22 pounds and am proudly overweight!

Unfortunately, my knees, especially my right one, has been protesting the increase in activity.  The swelling and pain has been enough to keep me off of it for the most part for 3 days.  Guess I really need to take the gradual approach.

Our Association had its Annual Meeting yesterday, and I got to facilitate it.  There were some tense moments, but I think it went well.  The amount of work leading up to it was overwhelming, so today's rain has meant that I have a chance to rest.  I'm staying in my PJs all day watching old episodes of Doc Martin on  Netflix, picking up stuff occasionally.

This afternoon there was a knock on the door and a shy, pretty little girl stood outside and said "I got you flowers".  I asked her to repeat herself, since wasn't carrying anything.  She finally pointed to a Tupperware container on my deck that held a bunch of white flowers.  Then I saw her Mom on the golf cart, and she said "she wanted to bring you flowers"!  I was embarrassed because I couldn't even remember the little girl's name (Micah) when she apparently knew me.  Anyway, it made my day.

One of the bad things about being stuck inside all day is the boredom.  I've had several moments today when my cravings got really bad.  But, when I wanted a peanut butter cup, I had some Mandarin oranges instead.

Day 28

Although I've hit a plateau, I'm not complaining.  I haven't felt this good in a long time!  I'm down 19.4 pounds since surgery.  And only about a 1/2 pound more and I'll only be overweight instead of obese!

My knees are killing me though.  I signed up for a 5k at the end of the month so have been attempting to jog in addition to walking.  I bought new shoes that are very lightweight and flexible, but are using muscles I didn't know I had.  I've been warned to break in these shoes very gradually, so I guess I'll heed the warning and wear my other shoes most of the time.

In other news, my peas are up and doing well, the radishes have appeared, and my assorted lettuces are barely showing above the dirt.  My asparagus didn't come up at all (what's up with that?), but the rhubarb is big enough to harvest.  The chives are already blossoming, which means I need to harvest them, chop them up, and freeze.

New to my garden this year is yellow squash and kohlrabi.  The cucumbers are too small to plant outside yet, but I've got several tomatoes in containers.  I may have put them out too early though - the temps here are crazy, with highs in the low 60s and lows in the 40s.  And the rain!  Everything is really green, but we could use a couple days of sunshine to dry us out!

Day 22

Day 22 means only 6 more days of my lifting restriction, and marks the date when I add even more vitamins and supplements to my routine.  I'm down 18 pounds, but have hit my first plateau, having hit 18 pounds at day 18 and the scale not moving since.

My doctor told me that the scale is not my friend, and I should lock it away and only let it out once a week max.  I may have to start following that advice since I'm obsessing a bit.  My next mini goal is to into the "overweight" BMI category, which is about 3 more pounds.  After that, 5 additional pounds to make me the thinnest I can ever remember.

I'm walking about 30 minutes each day most days, and have stepped up the pace so that it's about the fastest I can walk without running.  Running will be the next logical step, but somehow it seems so hard!

Oh, and I found a new food today that I really like - Campbell's Tuscan Style Chicken and White Bean Soup.  It's low in calories (140 for 1 cup, although I can only eat 1/2 that), and high in protein (12 grams per serving).  And it's delicious!  A much-needed change from the norm.

Day 15

I awoke this morning to some scale goodness - I am down 13 pounds from my surgery date!  Two more pounds before I hit my "stable" weight, and seven to go before I'm no longer consider obese, but simply overweight, and ten to hit my lowest weight ever.  As my mother used to say, "it's all water weight", but it still feels good to have it gone.

I am obsessive about tracking my food and exercise on MyFitnessPal.com.  I'm getting plenty of protein but worry a little bit about not getting enough fiber.  I look forward to the day when I can eat lots of fresh veggies again, but for now, it's "soft" foods only.

Here's my typical day:

Breakfast
Before breakfast, I have 2 cups of coffee, and take my morning Prilosec.  For breakfast, I have 1 large egg, poached with 1 T. shredded cheese, garnished with fresh chives from my garden.  And the first of 3 vitamins is taken.

Morning Snack
1 piece of string cheese (Frigo's Cheeseheads - yummy)

Lunch
Protein Shake, which I make with chocolate protein powder, PB2 (powdered peanut butter), skim milk, and a little instant coffee to bring out the chocolate flavor.  When I remember, I add a tablespoon of Chia seeds, which has lots of fiber and protein.  Second vitamin is chewed up and swallowed!

Afternoon Snack
1/2 cup of nonfat cottage cheese (luckily, I like cottage cheese)

Dinner
1/2 c. creamy soup (this week it was wild rice) with about 1 oz. chicken breast mixed in
1/2 c. green beans
Third and final vitamin of the day!

Evening Snack
Another piece of string cheese!  I also generally have 1 or 2 cups of Sleepytime tea in the evenings when I'm winding down to go to bed.  My second Prilosec dose is taken now too.

And slowly but surely I'm getting my exercise, although with the rain the last 3 days it hasn't been easy.  My legs complain the most; guess I should do some stretches before I hit the pavement.

With all the rain, the Summer Palace grounds are looking green and lush.  The trees are all leafing out (they have a way to go yet), and the rhubarb is growing liking gangbusters!  I'm a little concerned that the asparagus hasn't come up yet, but it has been a weird Spring.  I planted some sugar snap peas this weekend and now need to get in the greens.  Another week and the tomatoes can go outside too!

So much work and so little time!  I guess I better get at it!

Day 11

Today is day 11 since my surgery.  Yesterday for the first time I made it the entire day without taking at least one nap!  I was determined to get some exercise too, so I went out for a walk.  Five minutes in I was huffing and puffing and felt like I had run a marathon.  Geez, am I out of shape or what?  Still, I managed 20 minutes around the park.  I'll see if I can do it again today in the breaks between rain.

I've lost 9 pounds since surgery, which is excellent news.  I had my original lap band surgery 7 years ago, and my intent then was to lose weight.  I lost about 60 pounds, gained 10 back, then stabilized at about 53 pounds lost.  Still in the 'obese' category, but much better than where I started.  My surgeon has told me that I actually did very well with the band; better than most.  I knew that if I wanted to lose the remainder of the weight I needed to get off my butt and start exercising, and pay better attention to what I ate.

So when I had complications from the band and was told I should remove it and revise to gastric sleeve, my intent was to try and simply maintain; not regain the weight; knowing that either surgery is simply a tool and the work is all me.  The complications had gotten so severe from the band, however, that I had a complete unfill in February, meaning that I could eat anything I wanted again.  So I went on a spree of eating everything I couldn't for the last 7 years.  Pizza Hut deep dish pizza...4 days in a row.  Cheeseburgers with the bun, french fries, you name it.  And I promptly gained 15 pounds!

I'm still 6 pounds from my 'stable' weight.  I'm kicking myself for the weeks of excess, but have settled into a day-to-day of between 600 and 900 calories and eating every 2 hours.  I haven't had alcohol since surgery either, and don't intend to for awhile.  It was one of my big weight triggers, especially in the summer when everyone parties on the weekends.  I track every morsel that goes into my mouth.  Obsessive, yes, but necessary at the beginning.

I am grateful for the second chance.

What Happens When the Propane Runs Out

Early this morning (like 4:30 this morning early), my cats piled on top of me.  I was cold, so I didn't mind so much.  Then I got really cold, even with the blankets of fur.  Why, oh why, does the propane decide to run out in the middle of the night of the coldest night of the summer?  It happens this way every year!

I put my slippers on and my warmest robe and went outside to switch tanks.  When I got back in the house it was 44 degrees inside - no wonder my furry friends were complaining!

The furnace and space heater back on, I decided to stay up and brew my first cup of coffee.  The sun rises early here, and with the sunrise came the deer.  The one that came closest had a broken back leg, poor thing.  I guess nature will take care of her.  Through the trees I could see other shapes moving, in search of their breakfast.  It must be hard on them this year, with the late start to spring.

Today is day 5 after surgery.  And I'm grateful.

Six New Holes I Didn't Have Before

I had my lap band removed and a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (VSG) done 2 days ago in the Sanford Hospital in Fargo, ND.  It was done laparoscopically, so I have 6 new incisions in my abdomen.  Six new scars added to the previous ones from gall bladder removal and the original lap band placement.

Like my previous surgeries, my main complaint was nausea; so bad that would get the dry heaves at least once an hour.  And like all hospitals, lack of sleep because a nurse would poke and prod me every hour.

I'm home now; very tired but not a lot of pain.  It's a struggle to get enough nourishment in my body since I'm not hungry and can only do liquids or pureed food right now.  But I'm not complaining - I had two surgeries done at one time so I don't have to go back into the hospital in a couple of months.

On the Summer Palace front, my rhubarb is leafing out fast!  When I arrived here on May 5th it was just a red stub on the surface, but now it has leaves!  Same for the chives - I can start harvesting them any time.  No asparagus yet, but that'll be next.

How Do YOU Define Good Service?

Today on my lunch hour I went to the UPS store to ship several boxes to my Summer Palace.  The young man working behind the counter was very professional, and VERY polite.  He managed to work the word "ma'am" into every sentence, as in "are the boxes all going to the same place ma'am", or "have you shipped with us before ma'am" or "what's your phone number ma'am".  Every sentence, although polite beyond words, was said with an unsmiling expression.

He finished weighing and measuring 4 of the 5 boxes, then started to give me a total price.  I pointed out that he missed a box, and without a "sorry" or "oops", he started weighing and measuring that box too.  I made a decidedly lame joke like "it must be 5 for the price of 4 today", which elicited no response, not even a glimmer of a smile.  Just silence.  I tilted my head and said "that was a joke - feel free to laugh!, and again, no response whatsoever.  The other guy behind the counter snickered; even the customer in line behind me laughed.  My guy - nada.

At first I was uncomfortable, then annoyed.  Then I realized that the clerk also never made eye contact with me.  Super efficient, but no sign of human emotion whatsoever.  Robot?  New bio-engineered human being tested by UPS to kill off Fedex?  Those thoughts made me smile, and as I signed my receipt, I admired the pen I was given to sign.

"You can have it ma'am".

"Really?  This is payment for not laughing at my joke, right?"

"No ma'am."

The other guy behind the counter was laughing hard now.  I smiled, thanked the young man who was still showing no expression whatsoever, and walked out with a smile and bounce to my step.  Even if he didn't laugh, he still made me smile.

As I was driving home, I thought more about the rather odd encounter.  Maybe the kid has Asperger's or some other form of autism.  I wonder how someone else might handle the same type of encounter - would they laugh, or would they get mad and complain about the service?

I got excellent service - everything was done quickly and accurately.  But that tiny moment where I was uncomfortable could have led me down an entirely different thought path.

Best of luck to you young man.

Nerves of Mush

Only 5 days before I leave for my Summer Palace, with Grace and Sam in tow.  I've put both carriers in the house with comfy blankets and catnip in them to get them used to their temporary home, but so far only Sam has taken the bait.  He's checked out both carriers but has definitely settled on one.  Grace, on the other hand, won't go near them even with the enticement of catnip.  For some reason I thought she'd be the easy one!

It'll be fine.

I'm nervous about a day and a half in the car with two howling cats and what that will do to their stress levels (not to mention mine).

It'll be fine.

My (first) surgery has been scheduled for right after I arrive, on May 8, so I'm nervous about that too.  Who will take me to the hospital, who will take me home, how much pain will there be, can I go on my business trip at the end of the month, who will feed my cats while I'm gone?

It'll be fine.

What have I forgotten to do before my trip?  I got my dentist and doctor exams out of the way, and I'll get my boxes shipped tomorrow and my oil changed sometime this week.  Even though I have a list I've been using for 5 years, I always feel like I'm forgetting something.  With two cat carriers in the car, will I have room for the stuff I can't ship?

It'll be fine.

Deep breath.  Get some rest.  Eat right.  It'll be fine.

Emerging from Hibernation

Sometimes it feels like my life is the 5 months I spend at my Summer Palace, and the other 7 months are meant to just get through.  I burrow down deep with my head under the covers hoping that I can stay in bed just a little while longer.

But pretty big things happen in those 7 months too.  Since October I've traveled to Phoenix and Mesa, AZ, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, and home to Casselton, ND.

Late in January, I discovered that my Lap Band had slipped and I had a hernia, the combination of which had caused my unbearable acid reflux for the past two or three years and the occasional bout of vomiting up everything I ate.  I have a plan for fixing it, but the dang insurance company is dragging their feet.  Hopefully soon I'll get the approval and I'll fly back up to North Dakota to have the surgery that will remove my band and fix my hernia.  Yes, I am choosing to have it done in Fargo.  I'll be in my Summer Palace before I know it, so I won't have to worry about flying back to Texas for follow-up care.

My friend from childhood, Melanie,  has a very successful band in Minneapolis, and they traveled all the way to Casselton, a town of about 2000 people, to play for us, in the hotel another childhood friend owns.  It was like a school reunion, but with only the people you really wanted to see!  Both of my brothers were there, 1 sister-in-law, 3 nieces and a nephew-in-law.  I kept my 24 year old niece out with me until 4 a.m. at the band's after party, much to her dismay and my delight.

Melanie and her husband stayed an extra day so we could catch up and experience all the small town atmosphere.  Saturday we went to the Vet's Club and played Bingo.  My sister-in-law won $7, but the rest of us weren't so lucky.  Afterwards, lured by free Reuben sandwiches, Melanie, her husband, and I went to the Red Baron Bar, now in the old building where the Red Owl grocery store used to be.  The tin ceiling is still there, and much of the bar looks like the old Baron, but we lamented the loss of the "skinny" mirror that used to hang in the ladies bathroom.  The Reuben's were oh-my-gosh good, and I was told that the secret is to mix the sauerkraut with the Thousand Island dressing so it's not so messy.

Melanie and I then got a tour of the Maple River Distillery (it was after hours, but we happen to know the owners).  After numerous samples of Rhubarb Vodka, Pear Brandy, and Chokecherry something or other, we purchased more bottles then we needed and headed back to the Red Baron.  The original owner of the Red Baron, now in his 80's, hung out with us for awhile, and flattered us by telling us that the new owners really needed to card us since we obviously weren't old enough to be served.

And for St. Patrick's Day itself, my brother made us Corned Beef and Cabbage, with potatoes and carrots.  So good!  Even better with the blizzard (second one of my stay) that arrived and cancelled work for them the next day.

The trees and wisteria is blooming in Texas, and the Bluebonnets will be out soon.  One more month before I go back to my Summer Palace, assuming that the mountains of snow will be gone by then!  I am bringing my 2 cats with me this year, which will be an adventure in itself!