Last night I had two disturbing dreams. One of them involved doing something work wise that was not my job. That one was easy to figure out - it was a hard week, and I felt overwhelmed.
The other one involved a snake. A snake in the grass to be more precise. The snake followed me, got really close to me, and I was shaking with fear that it would bite me. Now, most dream interpreters will tell you that I was dreaming about sex. Nope.
This morning I figured out what this prophetic dream meant. In my email inbox was a personal email accusing me of doing something shady. I'm active in my campground association volunteer committee, and we had a board of directors election this weekend. I was accused of fixing the election.
Now the person who won was NOT the person I voted for, so I guess I didn't do a very good job "fixing the election". I have a feeling that there is a snake on our volunteer committee that has been waiting for a chance to hurt me. And today that snake bit.
Poison spreads, and I know that whoever it is that started this lie is a talker. And folks that don't know any better will assume their lies are true. So I resigned my spot on the volunteer committee that gets stuff done in the Association. With that poison out there I won't be very effective at anything I try to do, so in my case it was simply better to amputate the limb.
I've worked really, really, hard for 2 years to make things better here, and it's hard to hear that people will throw rotten eggs at me when all I've ever tried to do is step up and do what no one else was willing to do.
Beware of the snakes in the grass. They do bite.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
99 Days
99 days since surgery! Here's an update.
Weight loss still at 34 pounds. For the last month I've slipped a little into my old self-sabotage ways, eating chips, drinking beer, and not working as hard as I should at the exercise front. I know what I need to do, just have to convince my rather sick mind to do it!
What's changed?
Weight loss still at 34 pounds. For the last month I've slipped a little into my old self-sabotage ways, eating chips, drinking beer, and not working as hard as I should at the exercise front. I know what I need to do, just have to convince my rather sick mind to do it!
What's changed?
- I certainly look thinner, although I still see the "fat Sandy" in the mirror some days. I have to keep looking at photos to remind myself of what I really look like.
- I can run a little - today I ran 2 times 60 seconds, 2 times 90 seconds, and 1 time 97 seconds! That, coming from 2 months ago when I couldn't even manage 20 seconds at a time.
- My resting heart rate is between 66 and 68, done from 80 prior to surgery.
- I've participated in 2 5k's (walked 'em both, but I finished).
- I feel like a human being, participating fully in life, instead of a cave dweller.
- I'm pretty sure I can dump my CPAP machine, although it's almost like a security blanket for me now.
What hasn't changed?
Mentally, I'm still struggling with why I sabotage my success. I'm a work in progress!- My ankles still swell up most days, and it pisses me off. My blood pressure is actually low (last checked it was 90/60), so I know it's not that...
- My knees still hurt, and occasionally my right hip hurts too. It sucks to get old.
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| August 3, 2013 |
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| Beer Run August 17, 2013 With My Big Brother |
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| Feasting in Texas! August 8, 2013 |
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| Me in 2006, prior to Lap Band |
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| Summer 2010, still struggling! |
Monday, August 5, 2013
Texas, Don't Mess With ME!
I'm back in Fort Worth for the week to catch up with my team mates and two days of training. Well, I was in Fort Worth for about 30 minutes last night, anyway.
I arrived to a sweltering house at 9 pm. 93 degrees inside. Yes, you heard that right, 93. Sweat running down my face, I checked the air conditioner thermostat, which was set to 72. The fan was blowing up a storm, but no cold air was coming out. I checked the breaker, and sure enough, the fuse was tripped. Easy fix, I thought to myself, as I flipped the breaker back on. But no, the compressor outside still didn't come on. So I grabbed a flashlight and checked the breaker box outside. It seemed okay, but I flipped it off and on just to be sure. Damn it, still no compressor.
So I put my suitcases back in the car and drove to the Comfort Suites for the night. I called the company who installed my aircon 2 years ago and described what was going on. When I got to the part of "the breaker was tripped", he stopped and asked me to repeat that. I did, and he said "damn, that's not good".
Sigh.
I'm meeting him at the house at 1 to see what's what. Good thing I have the Comfort Suites on speed dial!
Oh, and for those of you who read my previous post on why Candy Crush is like life, here's another one:
Chocolate is always evil!
I arrived to a sweltering house at 9 pm. 93 degrees inside. Yes, you heard that right, 93. Sweat running down my face, I checked the air conditioner thermostat, which was set to 72. The fan was blowing up a storm, but no cold air was coming out. I checked the breaker, and sure enough, the fuse was tripped. Easy fix, I thought to myself, as I flipped the breaker back on. But no, the compressor outside still didn't come on. So I grabbed a flashlight and checked the breaker box outside. It seemed okay, but I flipped it off and on just to be sure. Damn it, still no compressor.
So I put my suitcases back in the car and drove to the Comfort Suites for the night. I called the company who installed my aircon 2 years ago and described what was going on. When I got to the part of "the breaker was tripped", he stopped and asked me to repeat that. I did, and he said "damn, that's not good".
Sigh.
I'm meeting him at the house at 1 to see what's what. Good thing I have the Comfort Suites on speed dial!
Oh, and for those of you who read my previous post on why Candy Crush is like life, here's another one:
Chocolate is always evil!
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Why Candy Crush Saga is Like Life, or Why I Don't Have a Life Anymore
It all started with my Niece's husband saying "you don't play Candy Crush? You really should - I'm on level 76".
Right...just another annoying Facebook game. I went through my Bejeweled Blitz phase, my Words With Friends phase, and even (gulp) my Farmville phase. I'm evolved, and only use Facebook to keep up with friends.
Yep. Uh huh.
I'm on level 79 now, and here's why I think Candy Crush Saga is like life:
Right...just another annoying Facebook game. I went through my Bejeweled Blitz phase, my Words With Friends phase, and even (gulp) my Farmville phase. I'm evolved, and only use Facebook to keep up with friends.
Yep. Uh huh.
I'm on level 79 now, and here's why I think Candy Crush Saga is like life:
- Sometimes it seems easy - too easy
- Sometimes you want to shake your fist in the air with frustration because you can't seem to get anywhere
- They both take some skill, and some luck too, to get through successfully
- Sometimes things blow up in your face - and that can be a good thing
- Moves in one direction can give unexpected results
- They're both colorful and noisy
- Sometimes you have to pay to get ahead of the competition
- There's always someone on your friends list that has a better score (or makes more money, or has a nicer car, or looks better in clothes...)
- You learn as you go - the more you learn, the better you do
- If I actually had a life, I wouldn't be playing Candy Crush (or blogging about it)
Friday, July 12, 2013
Day 65 - Mini Goal Reached!
One of my mini-goals for weight loss was to get to the weight I was at for about 2 minutes two years ago. I was really active that summer, and got down to 165.6. This morning I was at 167 - so close! So I went for my walk and came back to weigh again. It's really surprising how much water weight you can shed when you're sweaty! The scale this time said 165.6 on the dot. I'll take it!
This is surprising to me, since I have no food restrictions any longer and have found that I can eat or drink anything - I just get full fast. I'm on vacation this week, so the beer has been reintroduced, and I've only walked twice in 10 days.
With my lap band I could drink carbonated beverages, but sometimes annoying and painful burping would result. With my sleeve no such problems - I feel NORMAL! I ate out at a local Mexican restaurant and had fajitas - neither the chicken nor the tortilla gave me any problem, although I was uncomfortably full after two of them.
Wednesday I extended my normal walk to hike through the woods at Dunton Locks County Park. The map said that the trail I took was "difficult". It wasn't really - there were a couple of steep climbs, but not bad. I do need to do better about remembering to put on bug spray - the skeeters were killers! I love hiking in the woods; I always wonder what's just around the corner. The only wildlife I saw was the wood tick that hitched a ride home with me. Did I mention that I need to remember bug spray?
While on vacation this week I painted my deck (Cape Cod Gray), and painted some old wooden furniture that once belonged to my parents. That I painted Molokai Blue (think bright turquoise), and bought a couple of retro style metal chairs in yellow to make a seating arrangement.
On the agricultural front, my sugar snap peas are about ready for harvest. Maybe this year some will actually make it into the house without being eaten right from the bush! The deer ate my cucumbers again, and the radishes bolted (I planted them much too late), but the kohlrabi and yellow squash are doing well. My assorted heirloom tomatoes are started to bloom (they're all late producers), and my Meyer Lemon tree has lemons about 3 inches long, so I'll have fresh lemons this winter (yes, I do haul it back and forth between Texas and Minnesota). The wild raspberries in my back yard should be ready soon - they're little, but just as sweet! And I need to harvest some more rhubarb for the freezer - I enjoy that in Texas too!
This is surprising to me, since I have no food restrictions any longer and have found that I can eat or drink anything - I just get full fast. I'm on vacation this week, so the beer has been reintroduced, and I've only walked twice in 10 days.
With my lap band I could drink carbonated beverages, but sometimes annoying and painful burping would result. With my sleeve no such problems - I feel NORMAL! I ate out at a local Mexican restaurant and had fajitas - neither the chicken nor the tortilla gave me any problem, although I was uncomfortably full after two of them.
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| Sunrise, Dunton Locks |
While on vacation this week I painted my deck (Cape Cod Gray), and painted some old wooden furniture that once belonged to my parents. That I painted Molokai Blue (think bright turquoise), and bought a couple of retro style metal chairs in yellow to make a seating arrangement.
On the agricultural front, my sugar snap peas are about ready for harvest. Maybe this year some will actually make it into the house without being eaten right from the bush! The deer ate my cucumbers again, and the radishes bolted (I planted them much too late), but the kohlrabi and yellow squash are doing well. My assorted heirloom tomatoes are started to bloom (they're all late producers), and my Meyer Lemon tree has lemons about 3 inches long, so I'll have fresh lemons this winter (yes, I do haul it back and forth between Texas and Minnesota). The wild raspberries in my back yard should be ready soon - they're little, but just as sweet! And I need to harvest some more rhubarb for the freezer - I enjoy that in Texas too!Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Two Month Surgiversary and Rainbow Kisses
Exactly 2 months ago this morning I was wheeled into an operating room for my gastric sleeve surgery. I have lost 28.4 pounds since that day, and 58 pounds total since I started this weight loss journey 7 years ago, when I had my lap band surgery. More importantly, I'm more active than I've ever been, my mood seems stable (knock on wood, and I'm sure hormone replacement therapy has something to do with it), and life is, well, good!
Last weekend I did my first ever 5K - the Run or Dye in Fargo. They had more than 11,000 people turn out for this event; the 2nd biggest in Run or Dye history, and bigger even than the Fargo Marathon. Because of the crowds and our fear of never finding each other, my sister-in-law and niece decided to walk it with me, even though they normally run. That meant a lot to me - this was an important milestone for me, and I wanted to share it with people I love, not alone in a sea of strangers.
They convinced me to run through the "dye stations", and I did, with my arms up high and "whoo hoo'ing" the whole time. At the finish line they had a dance party, culminated by all of us throwing our dye in the air at the same time. I've never been in a dessert sand storm, but for awhile we couldn't see even our closest neighbor!
My brother and great-niece watched us from the grandstands, and took lots of great pictures and videos of the event. He wasn't so happy, though, when he discovered that we had forgotten to bring our towels to protect the seats in his truck on the way home! His seats are covered with rainbow kisses probably even now. It took 3 washings to get the dye out of my clothes (I finally had to use bleach).
We made the paper the next day - the only reason I recognized myself was because of the number on my shirt!
My friend asked me if now that I had done a 5K if I would sign up for more. At first I told her "probably not", that it wasn't my thing. When I thought about it for awhile, I realized that I'm still horribly insecure about my abilities - I know I can finish by walking, but I want to run damn it!
So today, for the first mile of my walk, I did just that. I ran, then walked. I can only run for 35 seconds at a time right now, but my knees don't hurt like the last time I tried. So, we'll see - I'll keep building up my endurance, and maybe someday I'll sign up for another 5K. Until then, rainbow kisses to you all, and Happy 4th of July!
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| Nearing the Finish Line - That's me, in the Middle |
They convinced me to run through the "dye stations", and I did, with my arms up high and "whoo hoo'ing" the whole time. At the finish line they had a dance party, culminated by all of us throwing our dye in the air at the same time. I've never been in a dessert sand storm, but for awhile we couldn't see even our closest neighbor!
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| After the Dance Party |
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| Triumphant Women! |
We made the paper the next day - the only reason I recognized myself was because of the number on my shirt!
My friend asked me if now that I had done a 5K if I would sign up for more. At first I told her "probably not", that it wasn't my thing. When I thought about it for awhile, I realized that I'm still horribly insecure about my abilities - I know I can finish by walking, but I want to run damn it!
So today, for the first mile of my walk, I did just that. I ran, then walked. I can only run for 35 seconds at a time right now, but my knees don't hurt like the last time I tried. So, we'll see - I'll keep building up my endurance, and maybe someday I'll sign up for another 5K. Until then, rainbow kisses to you all, and Happy 4th of July!
Friday, June 28, 2013
Ugh, This is Hard. Day 52
You know those stories about the overweight people that have weight loss surgery and magically become thin overnight? Yeah well, I'm here to tell you it's an urban myth!
The surgery removes an obstacle for you, but the rest is up to you. If I didn't work the program I can stay at my previous weight or even gain weight. There is nothing stopping me from doing that.
What are my struggles? Exercise was a big one. When I first started walking about 6 weeks ago I would huff and puff, my knees hurt, my thighs hurt, my ankles swelled, and well, it just wasn't fun. Now I've built up enough endurance to walk 3.2 miles a day without stopping, at a very fast clip for one with such short legs (about 3.6 mph). My thighs and knees still complain, but not as much. My right hip makes funny noises and hurts a little, probably because my right knee is my bad one and I walk out of balance.
I have discovered sweating! My entire life I would be the one that didn't sweat, even in 100 degree temps. Now, I have to wear a headband, sweat still runs down my face, and the headband comes home dripping wet. My guess is that for the first time in a very long time I'm fully hydrated! I drink about 12 cups of water a day. Okay, not all water - usually 2 cups of coffee in the morning, lots of water during the day, then 1 or 2 cups of herbal tea before bed.
Now that I can eat real food, I have to deal with the times (especially at night) where I'm bored and really, really, want something salty and crunchy. Or sweet. And I admit I've given in to that more than once. It'll be a life long struggle for me I guess. I have to keep forgiving myself so that I can move on and do better.
Surprisingly, to me, what's not hard is not drinking alcohol. I've had a couple of glasses of wine twice, but didn't feel the need to continue.
Victories? I've lost inches when I haven't lost pounds. And I still have lost pounds - 26 since surgery! I fit into that pair of size 10 jeans I bought as an incentive. Barely, but I fit. Two years ago I logged my weight at the lowest ever (for exactly one day), and I have exactly 3.8 pounds to lose to get there again. I'm walking my very first 5k tomorrow (the Run or Dye) in Fargo. I'll come home covered in a rainbow of colors. And sweaty. But victorious!
The surgery removes an obstacle for you, but the rest is up to you. If I didn't work the program I can stay at my previous weight or even gain weight. There is nothing stopping me from doing that.
What are my struggles? Exercise was a big one. When I first started walking about 6 weeks ago I would huff and puff, my knees hurt, my thighs hurt, my ankles swelled, and well, it just wasn't fun. Now I've built up enough endurance to walk 3.2 miles a day without stopping, at a very fast clip for one with such short legs (about 3.6 mph). My thighs and knees still complain, but not as much. My right hip makes funny noises and hurts a little, probably because my right knee is my bad one and I walk out of balance.
I have discovered sweating! My entire life I would be the one that didn't sweat, even in 100 degree temps. Now, I have to wear a headband, sweat still runs down my face, and the headband comes home dripping wet. My guess is that for the first time in a very long time I'm fully hydrated! I drink about 12 cups of water a day. Okay, not all water - usually 2 cups of coffee in the morning, lots of water during the day, then 1 or 2 cups of herbal tea before bed.
Now that I can eat real food, I have to deal with the times (especially at night) where I'm bored and really, really, want something salty and crunchy. Or sweet. And I admit I've given in to that more than once. It'll be a life long struggle for me I guess. I have to keep forgiving myself so that I can move on and do better.
Surprisingly, to me, what's not hard is not drinking alcohol. I've had a couple of glasses of wine twice, but didn't feel the need to continue.
Victories? I've lost inches when I haven't lost pounds. And I still have lost pounds - 26 since surgery! I fit into that pair of size 10 jeans I bought as an incentive. Barely, but I fit. Two years ago I logged my weight at the lowest ever (for exactly one day), and I have exactly 3.8 pounds to lose to get there again. I'm walking my very first 5k tomorrow (the Run or Dye) in Fargo. I'll come home covered in a rainbow of colors. And sweaty. But victorious!
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