I ate breakfast, got my run in, showered, went to the thrift store to get some clothes for the work week ahead, and drove home. I nodded to the two folks in the street two doors down talking to someone parked on the curb. I figured that it was a nice day for a family barbecue or a post-church service get together, since they seemed nicely dressed.
Mindlessly I went about my chores - laundry has to be finished, unpacking yet to be done, clothes to hang up. I grabbed Grace's water bowl and went to the sink to fill it. The window over the kitchen sink is open, and I heard loud screaming. Thinking it was my imagination or dogs howling or kids playing, I filled the bowl up and turned off the water. The screams continued, and this time I knew they were human.
I saw four black women dressed in their Sunday best, all standing on the front stoop looking across the street. I looked too, and found the source of the screaming. A woman in a pink blazer, a pink skirt, and candy striped pink high heel shoes was bent over double next to one of the parked cars, wailing in obvious grief and pain. A man in a white shirt and black pants held her arms while she howled, patiently waiting for her to finish. She slowly quieted down, and silently sobbed on the man's chest.
The man didn't pat her back or say soothing things to her, at least not that I could tell. He simply held her while she poured out her grief for the world to hear.
Finally silent, she let the man guide her to the passenger side of the car, and they drove off. The wailing though, continued, this time one of the four women who stood by watching on the stoop across the street. As one of the other women comforted her, a little girl, three or four, danced around them not knowing that something of a tragic nature had just occurred. A little boy, perhaps 6, joined her outside and looked up at the adult's faces, as if wanting to know what was wrong. The women stared straight ahead, as if they couldn't bear the thought of explaining to a child that death had arrived in his life, and that he would forever after have to know that people would leave him.
The door to the house opened, and a white woman dressed in all white walked out carrying a bag. Hospice nurse? She walked straight to the car to put the bag away without saying anything to anyone outside. She drove away, as if in defeat.
The mourners have started to arrive, shaking hands, hugging, or patting shoulders. Is it a different protocol depending on the relation to the deceased I wonder? Or is it how close you are to the person in mourning? Now there are seven on the front stoop, with others weaving in and out from inside to the outdoors.
As I watched, tears welled in my eyes, and I so desperately wanted to go and ask if I could comfort them in some way. But I knew I was not wanted or needed and could only be a silent observer to their grief.
I don't know these neighbors, so don't know if the person inside is a man or woman, old or young, alive or dead. But pain is universal, and pain has visited this house two doors down from me.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Winter Palace Blues
I'm never happy about leaving Minnesota for Texas, even for the promise of better weather. It means saying goodbye to family and friends, lake country, chipmunks, deer, and the "country" life.
But I'm back in the city now, adjusting as best I can. Thursday not just one but two drivers pulled out right in front of me; one even ran a stop sign to do it. I laid on the horn both times, but both drivers were oblivious, probably too busy texting to worry about it. By the time I got home my hands were clenched, my shoulders hunched, and I felt a headache starting right behind my eyes. Then the Dentist told me I needed yet another crown, and my portion of the bill would be close to $700.00
But it's not all bad, not even half bad. The day I arrived it was 91 degrees (ugh), but a cold front went through that very day and temps have been in the mid 70's since then. I have my big kick-ass oven/range to cook on - no more trying to fit stuff into a tiny convection oven and then wondering how it's gonna turn out.
I joined the local YMCA this week; it being the cheapest option out there and the closest to home. When I entered the reception area to join, several people came in swiping their membership cards to get in. None of them was under 80. One lady came in with a walker and looked as if it would take her an hour to make it across the 50 feet to the gym. Turns out there was a Silver Sneakers class about to begin. The average age at this Y is much older than the normal gym though - even the trainer I met with is 57. Guess I don't have to worry about being intimidated by athletic young hotties!
I hit a "magic" number with my weight loss this week too - 40 pounds lost. That makes 70 pounds gone since my initial weight loss surgery 7 years ago. 10 pounds more and I'll have a normal BMI, which is my next goal. I'm on week 5 of my running plan, which is run 2 minutes, walk 2 minutes. It's still a workout, but it's getting easier every day!
But I'm back in the city now, adjusting as best I can. Thursday not just one but two drivers pulled out right in front of me; one even ran a stop sign to do it. I laid on the horn both times, but both drivers were oblivious, probably too busy texting to worry about it. By the time I got home my hands were clenched, my shoulders hunched, and I felt a headache starting right behind my eyes. Then the Dentist told me I needed yet another crown, and my portion of the bill would be close to $700.00
But it's not all bad, not even half bad. The day I arrived it was 91 degrees (ugh), but a cold front went through that very day and temps have been in the mid 70's since then. I have my big kick-ass oven/range to cook on - no more trying to fit stuff into a tiny convection oven and then wondering how it's gonna turn out.
I joined the local YMCA this week; it being the cheapest option out there and the closest to home. When I entered the reception area to join, several people came in swiping their membership cards to get in. None of them was under 80. One lady came in with a walker and looked as if it would take her an hour to make it across the 50 feet to the gym. Turns out there was a Silver Sneakers class about to begin. The average age at this Y is much older than the normal gym though - even the trainer I met with is 57. Guess I don't have to worry about being intimidated by athletic young hotties!
I hit a "magic" number with my weight loss this week too - 40 pounds lost. That makes 70 pounds gone since my initial weight loss surgery 7 years ago. 10 pounds more and I'll have a normal BMI, which is my next goal. I'm on week 5 of my running plan, which is run 2 minutes, walk 2 minutes. It's still a workout, but it's getting easier every day!
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Perfect?
I was invited over by my brother and family to watch the NDSU Bison game yesterday, eat chili, and play board games. I'm also in the middle of packing for my sojourn back to my winter palace, so clothes are everywhere - packed, not packed, in the closet, in the washer...and I couldn't find my one pair of blue jeans anywhere. I've pretty much been living in shorts and sweatpants for months, so who knows where they are.
Last month I had ordered two pair of size 8 jeans on sale in anticipation of someday being able to wear them, so in desperation I opened up the package and tried them on. And they fit! I honestly don't remember when I was ever a size 8! When I was growing up, there was a phrase "perfect size 8". Now back then, there wasn't such a thing as vanity sizing, so who knows what size it equates to now.
And another big step for me - I wore my Bison t-shirt tucked in. My stomach is my biggest problem area, so I just don't do that! But these jeans were a little higher waisted, and covered up most of my muffin top, so I went for it!
Today was day two, week 3 of a beginner's running plan. I'm running one minute, walking a minute, repeat 9 times. It's hard, but I'm doing it, even in the chilly, windy, Fall weather. I've been debating whether or not to join a gym when I get back to Texas, but I think I'll try street running first. I'm still afraid that if I have to drive somewhere to work out I'll find all sorts of excuses not to. So for now, I'll stick to the running plan and see where I go from here.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Taking Control
About two years ago a work colleague and I were exploring the city of Brisbane, Australia together on a weekend We did a lot of walking on that warm, summer day, and talked about the fact that we both knew what we needed to do to get fit and healthy, and that we were going to do it soon.
My friend took action before I did, and she just completed her first triathlon last weekend. I told her on Facebook that "I wanted to be just like her when I grow up", and she responded that I already was, because as soon as I took control of my own health I became just like her. I've thought about that a lot, and she's right. I may not have done a triathlon, but I am in control. I've lost 38 pounds this summer, and I feel lost if I can't get outside and either walk or run during the day.
What??
Even as a child, I was the girl picked last for the sports teams. I'd much rather bury my head in a book than play kickball / softball / basketball / track. I was enrolled in ballet, but always felt like the big awkward girl in class. I remember taking an aerobics class once in college and vomiting as soon as I finished. No wonder I didn't go back!
So this time my only goal was to walk. And I did, and got bored/tired/sore/out of breath/embarrassed, and...I kept going. My first victories were small - walking for 20 minutes...walking 1.6 miles without stopping...walking 3.2 miles without stopping. Then I did a 5K. And another. My knees were (and still are) swollen, my right hip hurt, and sometimes my legs hurt so bad at night I couldn't sleep. And I still walked. I walked 4 miles and thought I was a champ. Then I did an 8 mile hike and knew I was.
I thought I'd try the Couch to 5K running plan, but got discouraged because I couldn't even complete week one. So I modified it and started running 20 seconds at a time. Then 30 seconds. I found a different plan that made more sense and started it 2 weeks ago. Now I'm running a minute, walking 2 minutes. Next week it'll be run one minute, walk one minute. Maybe. I'm a slow learner. I signed up today for the Monster Dash 5K in Fort Worth end of this month. I plan on running at least half way.
Again, taking control, I scheduled a sleep study last weekend to see if my sleep apnea had improved. When I was first diagnosed, I would stop breathing 60 times per hour while asleep. Yes, I couldn't make it a minute without stopping breathing, greatly increasing my risk for stroke, heart attack, and God knows what. Last weekend, there was no sign of apnea at all. I did have a couple of episodes when laying on my back where my breathing changed, but nothing life threatening or serious. The doctor said that I had cured myself, and was no longer in danger of stroke, heart attack, etc. because of my weight and lack of oxygen while sleeping.
I. Cured. Myself.
Next, I plan on seeing if I can discontinue the use of the statin I've been taking for high cholesterol. I'll see my primary care physician in November for that. If I can discontinue that, my only prescriptions will be for Flonase for allergies, and hormone replacement therapy for, well, you know. My blood pressure is perfect (today was 107/72), my resting heart rate has gone from about 80 to 63, and I feel strong, centered, and, most of the time, happy. I have walked/ran 325 miles this summer on purpose, and can't imagine stopping. Of course the true test will be the dark winter months with little daylight - I've already started using my light box in the morning and upping my Vitamin D in anticipation of the "winter blues" hitting.
In other news...I got an email today from the webmaster of Becker County, where my Summer Palace is located. Don't know how he found my little blog, but he did, and he found a picture I posted a few months ago of sunrise at the park near me. He asked and was granted, permission to use the pic in the county's website redesign. I of course was thrilled, and will post the link everywhere if and when my photo is published!
My friend took action before I did, and she just completed her first triathlon last weekend. I told her on Facebook that "I wanted to be just like her when I grow up", and she responded that I already was, because as soon as I took control of my own health I became just like her. I've thought about that a lot, and she's right. I may not have done a triathlon, but I am in control. I've lost 38 pounds this summer, and I feel lost if I can't get outside and either walk or run during the day.
What??
Even as a child, I was the girl picked last for the sports teams. I'd much rather bury my head in a book than play kickball / softball / basketball / track. I was enrolled in ballet, but always felt like the big awkward girl in class. I remember taking an aerobics class once in college and vomiting as soon as I finished. No wonder I didn't go back!
So this time my only goal was to walk. And I did, and got bored/tired/sore/out of breath/embarrassed, and...I kept going. My first victories were small - walking for 20 minutes...walking 1.6 miles without stopping...walking 3.2 miles without stopping. Then I did a 5K. And another. My knees were (and still are) swollen, my right hip hurt, and sometimes my legs hurt so bad at night I couldn't sleep. And I still walked. I walked 4 miles and thought I was a champ. Then I did an 8 mile hike and knew I was.
I thought I'd try the Couch to 5K running plan, but got discouraged because I couldn't even complete week one. So I modified it and started running 20 seconds at a time. Then 30 seconds. I found a different plan that made more sense and started it 2 weeks ago. Now I'm running a minute, walking 2 minutes. Next week it'll be run one minute, walk one minute. Maybe. I'm a slow learner. I signed up today for the Monster Dash 5K in Fort Worth end of this month. I plan on running at least half way.
Again, taking control, I scheduled a sleep study last weekend to see if my sleep apnea had improved. When I was first diagnosed, I would stop breathing 60 times per hour while asleep. Yes, I couldn't make it a minute without stopping breathing, greatly increasing my risk for stroke, heart attack, and God knows what. Last weekend, there was no sign of apnea at all. I did have a couple of episodes when laying on my back where my breathing changed, but nothing life threatening or serious. The doctor said that I had cured myself, and was no longer in danger of stroke, heart attack, etc. because of my weight and lack of oxygen while sleeping.
I. Cured. Myself.
Next, I plan on seeing if I can discontinue the use of the statin I've been taking for high cholesterol. I'll see my primary care physician in November for that. If I can discontinue that, my only prescriptions will be for Flonase for allergies, and hormone replacement therapy for, well, you know. My blood pressure is perfect (today was 107/72), my resting heart rate has gone from about 80 to 63, and I feel strong, centered, and, most of the time, happy. I have walked/ran 325 miles this summer on purpose, and can't imagine stopping. Of course the true test will be the dark winter months with little daylight - I've already started using my light box in the morning and upping my Vitamin D in anticipation of the "winter blues" hitting.
In other news...I got an email today from the webmaster of Becker County, where my Summer Palace is located. Don't know how he found my little blog, but he did, and he found a picture I posted a few months ago of sunrise at the park near me. He asked and was granted, permission to use the pic in the county's website redesign. I of course was thrilled, and will post the link everywhere if and when my photo is published!
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Sam, and Other Tales of Woe
Of the four kittens born that day, he was the one that I knew instantly what to name - Sam. His left eye was still closed, and remained closed for weeks while I patiently washed it with a warm washcloth. For 15 1/2 years I would pick the eye boogers off his cheek from that darn eye.
He was by no means the easiest cat. When he was unhappy, he would let me know it by peeing outside the litter box. He would turn his nose up at the scratching posts I bought and instead tear up the corners of plaster throughout the house.
But he was also the sweet lap cat that would flop down in my lap after a long business trip, turn on his side, and let me hold his paw. He would crawl into bed into my arms and place his head on my shoulder, making little grunts of satisfaction when I reached out for him. Often I'd wake to Sam sprawled full body across my body or neck, sound asleep.
As soon as I would leave the bed in the morning, he'd crawl into my lap while I drank my coffee, then would go back to the bed, burrowing under the covers to find the warm spot.
His mother Grace would hiss and growl at him around me, and then 5 minutes later I'd find them curled around each other on my bed.
Sammy got sick very suddenly, and even the animal hospital couldn't save him. I was with him at the end; he was so sick, but I think he recognized my scent when I blew my breath into his face.
It's been a trying week here at the Summer Palace. A good friend has incurable cancer. My Niece's husband was in a car accident and has no memory of anything prior to the accident, including his own name, his wife, or his 4 kids. A former friend is on Crystal Meth and suffering from paranoia, delusions, and hallucinations. A divorce in the family. And today I learned that a co-worker's son was killed yesterday in Afghanistan.
Today I am grateful for the sunshine after days of dreary weather. I am grateful for the bags of carrots, cukes, and beets that a neighbor brought me yesterday from his farm. I am grateful for the coffee in my Minnesota mug, even though it doesn't taste quite as good without a cat sprawled across my lap.
Rest in peace Sammy my heart. We'll meet again some day, but Grace and I miss you today.
He was by no means the easiest cat. When he was unhappy, he would let me know it by peeing outside the litter box. He would turn his nose up at the scratching posts I bought and instead tear up the corners of plaster throughout the house.
But he was also the sweet lap cat that would flop down in my lap after a long business trip, turn on his side, and let me hold his paw. He would crawl into bed into my arms and place his head on my shoulder, making little grunts of satisfaction when I reached out for him. Often I'd wake to Sam sprawled full body across my body or neck, sound asleep.
As soon as I would leave the bed in the morning, he'd crawl into my lap while I drank my coffee, then would go back to the bed, burrowing under the covers to find the warm spot.
His mother Grace would hiss and growl at him around me, and then 5 minutes later I'd find them curled around each other on my bed.
Sammy got sick very suddenly, and even the animal hospital couldn't save him. I was with him at the end; he was so sick, but I think he recognized my scent when I blew my breath into his face.
It's been a trying week here at the Summer Palace. A good friend has incurable cancer. My Niece's husband was in a car accident and has no memory of anything prior to the accident, including his own name, his wife, or his 4 kids. A former friend is on Crystal Meth and suffering from paranoia, delusions, and hallucinations. A divorce in the family. And today I learned that a co-worker's son was killed yesterday in Afghanistan.
Today I am grateful for the sunshine after days of dreary weather. I am grateful for the bags of carrots, cukes, and beets that a neighbor brought me yesterday from his farm. I am grateful for the coffee in my Minnesota mug, even though it doesn't taste quite as good without a cat sprawled across my lap.
Rest in peace Sammy my heart. We'll meet again some day, but Grace and I miss you today.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Four Month Update
I'm happy to report that I participated in my first timed 5k race - the Dick Beardsley in Detroit Lakes, MN last weekend. I even ran a little bit when I could! My official finish time was 46:42, which considering I just wanted 48 minutes or less, was pretty good. And now I have a baseline to compete against for next time.
Weight wise, the loss has slowed way down. I'm down 36 pounds since surgery, but watching the scale is incredibly frustrating since I'll lose .2 pounds one day, then gain 3 pounds the next. I guess it's a marathon, not a sprint.
I have lost another inch from my waist, and got the shock of my life when I bought new sweatpants at Walmart in size SMALL! I know that's vanity sizing for sure, but it still felt kind of good! I recently had to pull some XL t-shirts out of my closet to donate because I wore one last weekend and kept exposing myself it was so big! My bra size is down from a 38C to a 34DD so I'm not losing a lot "up there" but I am losing inches.
I had a consult with a doc today about my sleep apnea. Since I've lost weight again, it's time for another sleep study, with the hope that I can dump my CPAP machine. And if I can't, I'm overdue for a new machine anyway. The monster machine I have now is huge and is a real pain to travel with. The new ones they showed me are tiny in comparison! My sleep study is scheduled for September 28, so I have a couple more weeks to focus on losing as much weight as I can before then.
I realized yesterday that other than my coffee, I hadn't had any water all day. That's bad, really bad, so I'm stepping up my hydration today - up to 6 cups of water so far, with a goal of 12 for the day. I also skipped the last two days workouts, so I got out at lunch today for 30 minutes. The so-called experts online say that a beginning runner or walker should only workout 30 minutes max, 3 times per week. I've been pushing myself way harder than that, and my heart rate has been close to my max a lot. Apparently that's not the best way to train your muscles, so today I followed directions and kept my heart rate in the "aerobic" zone throughout the 30 minutes. It seemed too easy, but I guess I'll try it out for awhile.
Only three more weeks at my Summer Palace before I have to pack up and drive back to Texas for the long winter. Boo hiss!
Weight wise, the loss has slowed way down. I'm down 36 pounds since surgery, but watching the scale is incredibly frustrating since I'll lose .2 pounds one day, then gain 3 pounds the next. I guess it's a marathon, not a sprint.
I have lost another inch from my waist, and got the shock of my life when I bought new sweatpants at Walmart in size SMALL! I know that's vanity sizing for sure, but it still felt kind of good! I recently had to pull some XL t-shirts out of my closet to donate because I wore one last weekend and kept exposing myself it was so big! My bra size is down from a 38C to a 34DD so I'm not losing a lot "up there" but I am losing inches.
I had a consult with a doc today about my sleep apnea. Since I've lost weight again, it's time for another sleep study, with the hope that I can dump my CPAP machine. And if I can't, I'm overdue for a new machine anyway. The monster machine I have now is huge and is a real pain to travel with. The new ones they showed me are tiny in comparison! My sleep study is scheduled for September 28, so I have a couple more weeks to focus on losing as much weight as I can before then.
I realized yesterday that other than my coffee, I hadn't had any water all day. That's bad, really bad, so I'm stepping up my hydration today - up to 6 cups of water so far, with a goal of 12 for the day. I also skipped the last two days workouts, so I got out at lunch today for 30 minutes. The so-called experts online say that a beginning runner or walker should only workout 30 minutes max, 3 times per week. I've been pushing myself way harder than that, and my heart rate has been close to my max a lot. Apparently that's not the best way to train your muscles, so today I followed directions and kept my heart rate in the "aerobic" zone throughout the 30 minutes. It seemed too easy, but I guess I'll try it out for awhile.
Only three more weeks at my Summer Palace before I have to pack up and drive back to Texas for the long winter. Boo hiss!
Monday, August 19, 2013
The Meaning of Dreams
Last night I had two disturbing dreams. One of them involved doing something work wise that was not my job. That one was easy to figure out - it was a hard week, and I felt overwhelmed.
The other one involved a snake. A snake in the grass to be more precise. The snake followed me, got really close to me, and I was shaking with fear that it would bite me. Now, most dream interpreters will tell you that I was dreaming about sex. Nope.
This morning I figured out what this prophetic dream meant. In my email inbox was a personal email accusing me of doing something shady. I'm active in my campground association volunteer committee, and we had a board of directors election this weekend. I was accused of fixing the election.
Now the person who won was NOT the person I voted for, so I guess I didn't do a very good job "fixing the election". I have a feeling that there is a snake on our volunteer committee that has been waiting for a chance to hurt me. And today that snake bit.
Poison spreads, and I know that whoever it is that started this lie is a talker. And folks that don't know any better will assume their lies are true. So I resigned my spot on the volunteer committee that gets stuff done in the Association. With that poison out there I won't be very effective at anything I try to do, so in my case it was simply better to amputate the limb.
I've worked really, really, hard for 2 years to make things better here, and it's hard to hear that people will throw rotten eggs at me when all I've ever tried to do is step up and do what no one else was willing to do.
Beware of the snakes in the grass. They do bite.
The other one involved a snake. A snake in the grass to be more precise. The snake followed me, got really close to me, and I was shaking with fear that it would bite me. Now, most dream interpreters will tell you that I was dreaming about sex. Nope.
This morning I figured out what this prophetic dream meant. In my email inbox was a personal email accusing me of doing something shady. I'm active in my campground association volunteer committee, and we had a board of directors election this weekend. I was accused of fixing the election.
Now the person who won was NOT the person I voted for, so I guess I didn't do a very good job "fixing the election". I have a feeling that there is a snake on our volunteer committee that has been waiting for a chance to hurt me. And today that snake bit.
Poison spreads, and I know that whoever it is that started this lie is a talker. And folks that don't know any better will assume their lies are true. So I resigned my spot on the volunteer committee that gets stuff done in the Association. With that poison out there I won't be very effective at anything I try to do, so in my case it was simply better to amputate the limb.
I've worked really, really, hard for 2 years to make things better here, and it's hard to hear that people will throw rotten eggs at me when all I've ever tried to do is step up and do what no one else was willing to do.
Beware of the snakes in the grass. They do bite.
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